Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Leading The Inner Game of Coaching - Meta Stating & Emotions
META-STATING AND EMOTIONS
By Dr L.Michael Hall
If the Meta-States Model offers anything, it offers some very powerful processes for detecting your emotions and managing those emotions from a higher level. When most people first experience Meta-States as a Model, the process seems counter-intuitive, it seems paradoxical, and the last thing they would have thought of or utilize for emotional mastery— yet it is the most effective method.
So what does the Meta-States Model say about “emotions?” First that there are levels of emotions; that is, emotions do not occur just at one level, but multiple levels. First there are primary emotions —direct and emotions that are in direct response to a stimulus in the world. Theorists tend to posit that there are anywhere from 7 to perhaps 20 primary emotions. I follow Robert Plutchik (The Emotions) who posited the following primary emotions: joy / sorrow; anger / fear; anticipation / surprise; acceptance / disgust; tension / relaxation; love / apathy. Then, when you begin mixing these primary emotions, you get secondary emotions — similar to how mixing primary colors gives secondary colors.
Then above and beyond primary emotions and various mixtures of those emotions, there are the meta-emotions of your meta-states. These arise due to your self-reflexive consciousness as you associate emotions to emotional states. To detect these and to flush them out, just inquire, “What do you think and feel about X state?”
What do you think and feel about anger? What emotions do you experience when you experience anger? Or fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, tenderness, love, joy, etc.?
Now generally speaking, when you bring a negative emotion against a previous emotion, you set the second negative emotion as a frame about and over the first emotion. Now you have fear of anger; anger at your fear; shame about your guilt; fear of relaxation; anxiety about anger, and so on. Do this and you construct a “dragon state” within your mind-body system so that you are essentially in self-attack. And the energy of the meta-emotional state has no where to go except against your mind-body system. Then you will pay for this construct by experiencing mental and emotional suffering.
Yet here also begins the processes that seem paradoxical and counter-intuitive. If you bring emotional states as acceptance, observation, interest, curiosity, appreciation, learning, etc. to your negative emotions, your “negative” emotion will change. Typically the intensity level of the energy of the emotion will be reduced so that you’ll be able to handle it much better. Calm anger, acceptance of fear, curiosity about sadness, appreciation of anger, etc. transforms the primary emotional state so that it can be much more useful and resourceful.
When you meta-state your primary emotional state with resourceful emotional states, you are in a position to qualify your emotional states in ways that will transform them into allies that will support you rather than diminish you. So in Neuro-Semantics, we don’t repress emotions, nor do we suppress them as much as we meta-state them and transform them into resources. This creates a new level of emotional intelligence and effectiveness.
So when you next experience a negative state, the first thing to do is to bring a state of calmness to the experience. Step back in your mind for just a moment and appreciate that you just received a signal— a communication signal. And just observe it. What is the signal about? Something “out there” in the world? Something within your mental mapping about something? What?
Next bring states of curiosity, interest, and exploration to your primary state. Curiously explore how you just created that negative emotion. Accepting that the emotion is yours, and that you created it within your mind-body system, you now have an unprecedented opportunity for deepening your self-knowledge and self-control. Wow! And, once you discover the process, then you can meta-state yourself with a strong sense of commitment to yourself and others as you choose the best way to respond to the situation that has triggered the emotion.
This means that you are creating new adjustments to your life-coping maps, making yourself more effective, enriching your relationships, and properly using your emotions, especially your negative ones. And while doing this, meta-state yourself that it is just an emotion (not “you,” don’t identify with the emotion and personalize it). It is just an emotion— a somatic energy response giving you a signal. Now you can choose:
What would be the best response I can now make?
Act on it; explore it some more; notice and ignore it; act against it; etc.?
Is the emotion appropriate, accurate, useful?
What resource would texture and qualify it making it more ecological for me?
Emotions — we all have them, they are a vital and important part of our mind-body system, and like the rest of the system, they are fallible and can easily be mis-used, abused, and become problematic for us. Emotional mastery and intelligence requires awareness, monitoring, managing, meta-stating, and then using them effectively.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2013
NLP, Coaching and Leadership
How to become a collaborative Leader as Coach - NLP & Leadership Coaching
If you are a “lone wolf” or “lone ranger,” are you a real leader? What leader is a leader if he or she doesn’t gather people around him or herself and empower them to feel that they are a part of something bigger and better than all of them? This highlights a fundamental fact: You can’t be a true leader unless you are collaborative in your style. Anyone who thinks and calls him or herself a leader but does not share, coordinate, cooperate, and create a sense of a team is self-deceived. They are only a leader in their mind, not in reality.
But how? How do you develop into a collaborative leader? What’s involved in developing the skills of collaboration?
1) Set the vision of collaborating and being a collaborative leader. Since vision is what drives big outcomes, start with a vision. What is yours? How robust is your vision? How exciting? If you are more excited about doing things to gain the glory, the recognition, the praise, etc., then it will be very hard to create a compelling vision of collaboration.
This goes right to the heart of leadership. John Maxwell puts it best when he said that “He who thinks he’s a leader and looks around and sees no one following is out for a walk.” To be a leader you have to win the minds and hearts of people, you have to attract them to a vision that captures their heart and imagine. Are you doing that? Are you willing to learn how to do that?
2) Commit yourself to adding value to those who share your vision. People follow a vision and the leader who sets out the vision that enable them to recognize that there’s something in it for them. What they see is that the vision and all of the effort that goes into actualizing it will make their life better and improve the quality of life for others. Leaders who think that people want to stand in adoration of their intelligence, good looks, charm, rhetorical skills, etc. want to be a cult-leader, a guru, or a dictator, not a true leader.
This is the paradox, leadership is not about the leader. It is through the person of the leader, but it is not about the leader. Anyone who believes that doesn’t understand the dynamic processes of leading. The person who is a true leader leads by going first. He or she invests as much value as possible into the vision and into those who are part of the team to make it happen. How does this settle with you? Are you adding massive value to those who raise their hands and say that they want to be a part of where you’re going and what you’re doing? What value are you investing in them? How could you add more value?
3) Communicate constantly to keep the vision and the mission alive. The work of leadership is not over with the creation of the vision. The work only then begins, next comes the effort of keeping the vision before people and letting them help to co-create the ongoing evolution of the vision as things change and develop. This work also includes gathering people together to create solutions to the obstacles that stand before the vision.
The vision you create as a leader will not endure in the minds and hearts of people unless you are constantly refreshing it, providing new and different ways of expressing it, and getting people involved in moving toward it. It is never enough to state the vision and leave it at that. As a leader your task is to make the vision come alive— to sing and dance in the minds of people so that it stays meaningful and significant. Are you doing that? Do you know how to do that? Are you willing to learn how to do that?
4) Keep involving people to be collaborative partners of the vision. From the activity of constantly communicating comes the leadership skill of involving people in practical ways that turns them into collaborative partners. This means sharing the vision-making process with them. This means bringing people into the inner circle and empowering them with decision making powers. This means transfer responsibilities to them and trusting them to come through.
People want to have a say and to be consulted if they are to become co-leaders of the vision. This is another secret of true leaders. Leaders do not create followers, they create more leaders. They groom people to become the next generation of leaders. How are you doing at that? Who are you grooming to be part of your leadership team? Who are you preparing to assume leadership powers and responsibilities?
5) Make yourself open and vulnerable to people. Leaders are not invincible statues made of stone, they are made of flesh-and-blood and suffer all of the fallibilities of mind, emotion, speech, and behavior that the rest of us do. A true leader leads out in this— being authentic, real, and down-to-earth. True leaders do not hide behind personas or masks, they come out from behind their personas and show their humanity. They are open and even vulnerable to people. They let people see their heart.
If this seems scary and frightening, it is. Embrace it. That’s why it is “leadership.” That’s because when people know your heart and sense your spirit of passion for the vision, they know they can trust you. There’s no hidden agenda and no secrets. As a leader you are upfront, straight-forward, candid, a truth-speaker, and transparent. How are you doing with this? This may indeed be the very heart of how to be a collaborative leader— to lesad from your authenticity.
Dr L. Michael Hall Co Founder of Neuro Semantics (NLP and Meta Coaching)
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If you are a “lone wolf” or “lone ranger,” are you a real leader? What leader is a leader if he or she doesn’t gather people around him or herself and empower them to feel that they are a part of something bigger and better than all of them? This highlights a fundamental fact: You can’t be a true leader unless you are collaborative in your style. Anyone who thinks and calls him or herself a leader but does not share, coordinate, cooperate, and create a sense of a team is self-deceived. They are only a leader in their mind, not in reality.
But how? How do you develop into a collaborative leader? What’s involved in developing the skills of collaboration?
1) Set the vision of collaborating and being a collaborative leader. Since vision is what drives big outcomes, start with a vision. What is yours? How robust is your vision? How exciting? If you are more excited about doing things to gain the glory, the recognition, the praise, etc., then it will be very hard to create a compelling vision of collaboration.
This goes right to the heart of leadership. John Maxwell puts it best when he said that “He who thinks he’s a leader and looks around and sees no one following is out for a walk.” To be a leader you have to win the minds and hearts of people, you have to attract them to a vision that captures their heart and imagine. Are you doing that? Are you willing to learn how to do that?
2) Commit yourself to adding value to those who share your vision. People follow a vision and the leader who sets out the vision that enable them to recognize that there’s something in it for them. What they see is that the vision and all of the effort that goes into actualizing it will make their life better and improve the quality of life for others. Leaders who think that people want to stand in adoration of their intelligence, good looks, charm, rhetorical skills, etc. want to be a cult-leader, a guru, or a dictator, not a true leader.
This is the paradox, leadership is not about the leader. It is through the person of the leader, but it is not about the leader. Anyone who believes that doesn’t understand the dynamic processes of leading. The person who is a true leader leads by going first. He or she invests as much value as possible into the vision and into those who are part of the team to make it happen. How does this settle with you? Are you adding massive value to those who raise their hands and say that they want to be a part of where you’re going and what you’re doing? What value are you investing in them? How could you add more value?
3) Communicate constantly to keep the vision and the mission alive. The work of leadership is not over with the creation of the vision. The work only then begins, next comes the effort of keeping the vision before people and letting them help to co-create the ongoing evolution of the vision as things change and develop. This work also includes gathering people together to create solutions to the obstacles that stand before the vision.
The vision you create as a leader will not endure in the minds and hearts of people unless you are constantly refreshing it, providing new and different ways of expressing it, and getting people involved in moving toward it. It is never enough to state the vision and leave it at that. As a leader your task is to make the vision come alive— to sing and dance in the minds of people so that it stays meaningful and significant. Are you doing that? Do you know how to do that? Are you willing to learn how to do that?
4) Keep involving people to be collaborative partners of the vision. From the activity of constantly communicating comes the leadership skill of involving people in practical ways that turns them into collaborative partners. This means sharing the vision-making process with them. This means bringing people into the inner circle and empowering them with decision making powers. This means transfer responsibilities to them and trusting them to come through.
People want to have a say and to be consulted if they are to become co-leaders of the vision. This is another secret of true leaders. Leaders do not create followers, they create more leaders. They groom people to become the next generation of leaders. How are you doing at that? Who are you grooming to be part of your leadership team? Who are you preparing to assume leadership powers and responsibilities?
5) Make yourself open and vulnerable to people. Leaders are not invincible statues made of stone, they are made of flesh-and-blood and suffer all of the fallibilities of mind, emotion, speech, and behavior that the rest of us do. A true leader leads out in this— being authentic, real, and down-to-earth. True leaders do not hide behind personas or masks, they come out from behind their personas and show their humanity. They are open and even vulnerable to people. They let people see their heart.
If this seems scary and frightening, it is. Embrace it. That’s why it is “leadership.” That’s because when people know your heart and sense your spirit of passion for the vision, they know they can trust you. There’s no hidden agenda and no secrets. As a leader you are upfront, straight-forward, candid, a truth-speaker, and transparent. How are you doing with this? This may indeed be the very heart of how to be a collaborative leader— to lesad from your authenticity.
Dr L. Michael Hall Co Founder of Neuro Semantics (NLP and Meta Coaching)
NLP Courses
NLP Practitioner Courses
NLP Training
NLP
Executive Coaching
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